Episode 31 Shownotes - If Thoughts Are Optional, Why Do We Choose Ones That Make Us Feel Awful?

You are listening to Best Life After Cancer Episode 31

Well, hey, friends! I am so happy to chat with you all today! I hope you have had wonderful holidays, despite all the changes in life currently. I had a great Christmas, but I admit, I let my brain convince me that NYE sucked because we couldn’t do what we always do. I ended up missing out on a great night with my husband and kids because I was in that space, so I know one of the places I have my work cut out for me in the next weeks! As we start out this new year, I want to acknowledge where so many people are after cancer. If you finished treatment, and it felt like you were sent out into the world with a “It’s all wait and see” and “Make a follow up for 6 months” and you felt lost and terrified, you are not alone. This is so common. If you want to feel like there is something you have control over to decrease recurrence, but are unsure what, I hear this so often. If you are living in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and finding that you are having a hard time getting back to normal life, there is NOT something wrong with you. Our brains have evolved to try to keep us safe. And they do that by pointing out all the things that could be dangerous. So you know, you are not flawed, or weak, or too fearful. You have a normal human brain, doing what ALL human brains do. There are ways to deal with our brains, but I have to let you in on a secret. If you are not supervising what your brain is thinking about, it is like leaving a 2 year old in a room with white walls, a white couch and rug, and a black sharpie. I bet every mom listening just CRINGED, right? I have been thinking a lot about the struggles of my cancer survivors and how I can make their lives better. At the same time, I am always working on myself, and creating the next best version of me. And when they overlap, wow, that is where the magic is.

Let me digress for just a minute and share something with you. Recently, I spent 16 hours on a weekend in a virtual retreat for people working on what they are creating and why. It was so inspiring, this group of hundreds of women from around the world, sharing their creativity and genius. They encouraged us to put out into the world what we are doing this for. I have hinted at this in prior podcasts, but I want to really verbalize it. I realized years ago that after treatment, patients are often left to go it alone. They are terrified of a recurrence, struggling with lasting symptoms from treatment, and looking for a place to get help and support. Once I realized this, I knew I had found my next calling in life. This doesn’t take the place of my calling to medicine, or my calling to be a mother. It is like the icing on the cake. It just makes all of the rest sweeter. My goal, with this podcast, my private facebook group and page, my coaching programs and weekly teachings, is to touch the lives of 1,000 breast cancer patients per year for the next 10 years. It is a big goal. But I have big ambition! I know 10,000 of my people are out there, looking for help, and it is up to me to help them find me. I know my people are strong, motivated, women, many type A’s who had everything in life under control up until cancer. Most are nearing completion of treatment or finished treatment. And they are searching. For ways to improve their odds. For ways to get past that constant nagging fear of recurrence. For ways to embrace the joy in life and create more. They are willing to WORK at this. They know that while we doctors have our parts, with surgery, systemic treatment like chemotherapy or hormonal therapy, and radiation, doctors are not the whole story. They know in their gut, in their heart, that there are things they should be doing, and they are ready and willing to do them, they just need to be pointed in the right direction. They want to share the path with other like-minded women. They are not the ones on blogs who want to whine, complain and bitch. That saps energy, right? It brings negativity. I am not saying we can’t discuss the challenges and stresses, but if you want to just complain, and not work at fixing these things, I’m not your girl. This clarity I found, and stating my goal has LIT A FIRE in me. I know 100% who I am supposed to be helping and I know the steps to take to do it. Exciting, right? If this sounds like you, come join us in our Facebook group at Best Life After Cancer MD. We are going to change the world, one survivor at a time. I did my very first webinar this past weekend, and did 30 minutes of teaching and 15 minutes of Q & A and it was SO much fun. I am doing another one this Thursday night, and if you are interested, you can find the link to sign up on Zoom on my FB page as well.

Ok – I am done my rainbows and daisies explosion for now. Back to managing our mind and not having a toddler with a sharpie running around in our heads. First things first. I know there may be some argument with this, but I want you to really consider that the only thing we actually can control 100% on the entire planet is our thoughts. If this is true, the question comes, of all of the thoughts available to us, why do we choose thoughts that make us feel awful? I think many people think that they don’t have an option to choose a better thought, that the fact that they had cancer means that they “HAVE” to think awful things. For certain, you have the right to think whatever it is that you want to think, but I want you to evaluate – is that thought helping you to live the life you want to live? If it isn’t, even if it is a true thought, it might be one you want to reconsider. Now, once people realize this, then they start beating themselves up for having thoughts that aren’t helping, and that isn’t awesome either. I am the queen of “I know better than this, why do I keep thinking this awful stuff?” But we have to acknowledge where we currently are. We have to work through that mess before we can choose a better thought, or it is like frosting a shit sandwich and thinking it should taste like cake. Not likely, right? If you are struggling with fear, first you need to take a step back. We need to look at our emotions and figure out what thoughts are causing them. I have a client who was afraid to think about or plan retirement. The anxiety was always there and overwhelming. We were able to take a step backward and find that she had a thought that had gone unrecognized that if she planned for retirement, she might jinx herself and make the cancer come back. When we brought that thought to light, it made so much sense that she had been unable to even think about the future. It will still requires work, but knowing it is there is the first step in the pathway. She had to stop pushing down the fear for us to have time to FIND that thought. So, don’t force down your emotions. Let them be there and then take a step back to identify the negative thought. Then you have to work through that thought with your brain. Accept where you are currently, allow it, and slowly, work towards a better thought. For most people, this negative thought will continue to come up. It is important to have awareness of it, and then when you see it, I use a technique called the “and or but” technique. Note to yourself that you are having the thought and then add an “and or but” with your better thought. One of my clients, when we were dealing with weight loss kept having the thought of “The cookies look and smell so good”. That was important to know she was having that thought. We added a “but” qualifier to her thought of “those cookies look and smell so good, but I want to reach my weight loss goals far more than I want to eat those cookies”. This gave her a better ability in the moment to not give in to the thought that the cookies were tempting. This can also work in the first example I gave with fear about the future. I offered her an and thought. “I recognize that my brain is thinking that I will jinx myself if I think about retirement, and I don’t believe that thinking about something good will necessarily bring something bad”. It is a slow process, and honestly, it is often easier with someone helping you through it, but definitely do-able on your own as well with hard work and introspection.
Now, sometimes we have thoughts that sound so good, but feel so bad. I want to dive into pretty thoughts and why they make you feel like a steaming pile of shit sometimes. I guess first I have to tell you what I mean by pretty thoughts. These are thoughts like “no one should abuse children”. “Our country shouldn’t be so divided”. “With all the research and money, there should be a cure for cancer by now”. “My friends and family should be here to love and support me along my cancer journey”. One I have been thinking personally, “I’ve created such a great podcast and program, and more people should be finding me!”

All of these should thoughts sound so nice, don’t they? But the truth is, these types of thoughts are often in direct conflict with REALITY. Children ARE physically and sexually abused, neglected and mistreated. Our country IS divided in many ways, with clear lines currently drawn along racial and political lines. Despite many advances, many types of cancer are not curable for all patients. Our friends and family may support us well, or they may NOT support us in the way we wish they would. And for me, just because I built it, doesn’t mean they will come immediately. This isn’t a Kevin Costner movie. When we think these thoughts, they SOUND good. We think they should make us FEEL good. And sometimes, we think that giving them up is the same as agreeing with what we don’t like. But any thought you keep telling yourself that is in direct opposition with reality will feel like that big pile of poop I mentioned earlier. It makes you think something is going wrong. With you, with the world, with your family and friends. This is not how we want to be looking at our lives and experiences!
We have to realize - it is in our nature as humans to have expectations of the world. But the challenge is that we can only control ourselves (and let me tell you, for many humans, even that is a challenge!). We cannot force anyone else to follow our plan. I wish we could! I wish we could just make a statement that from now on, no one would abuse children. Not reality. It is made even more complicated that what I think is abuse someone else might think is reasonable discipline for their child. We couldn’t all be happy even if we could make that statement true! And when we argue with reality, it leads to us adding to the drama. We fight with people who have different beliefs, or just refuse to talk with them and hear their views. This actually increases the conflict, both in our heads and in the world.
So how do we deal with this in our brains? First, I want to point out – there are things that I personally, do not want to feel better about. I don’t want to think rape, murder, abuse are ok. But I also know that I personally can’t obliterate 100% of it from the world. When I hear my brain thinking “there shouldn’t be abuse”, I switch it to “I want to support efforts to reduce abuse”. This feels equally true, and more doable. It doesn’t leave our brains in the uncomfortable place of thinking something that is not, and likely never will be true, and gives us space to take action if we choose. It also allows us to acknowledge that we do not like the situation, and wish it was different. It gives us the option to lean in to not liking something, while not being in a hopeless position with no possibility of change.
In a recent example, I had a client feeling like the division in the country was upsetting. She told me that we should not be divided. Before we even dive into his, I want to point out that, first, we are all entitled to our own opinions, which means in a 2 party system, that there will be division, and it is normal and healthy for our political system. I think it was more of the dramatic nature of our current political climate that unsettled her. The fear of riots, the aggressiveness of the disagreement, the finger pointing. I can’t say I disagree – I wish there was less of all of that right now too. The thought – there shouldn’t be division? Impossible, and leaves you feeling completely powerless and likely overwhelmed. So again, what can we control? Only ourselves. We can say, “I want to be a voice for peaceful disagreement”. “I want to support the rights of all humans” or “I will not be a part of the ugliness of the current situation” and choose not to repost, discuss or amplify these things. These are thoughts that reclaim your power, which is bringing the best to the world that you can. This mindset allows us to really listen to other views, without necessarily having to convert people to our way of thinking – if we are resisting other views, often that leads to arguing, which often puts other people’s walls up higher. A mindset that allows peaceful discussion helps to deescalate, and understand others, which is exactly what we are looking for in this time. One thought I use when I talk with other people about charged topics is “in what ways are they absolutely correct?”
One other comment about this, though. I want to point out that the thought that our country is unsafe and out of control is just a thought, and not everyone in the world would agree with this, for certain. In comparison to places actively at war, with bombings and active fighting, our country is remarkably safe. In terms of there being division in our government, countries with a dictatorship that the public is trying to overthrow would likely seem even more divisive. Our thoughts certainly can be evaluated in terms of the actual validity of our thoughts. It may SEEM very unstable, but is it really? Or is it that the news wants to hype the upheaval because it terrifies people and glues them to their T.V.? Not to say it isn’t true, but just magnified. A thought of even with all of the issues in the US, this is still a safe place to live with many more freedoms than many countries experience, may be helpful.
The next example I mentioned was what I hear so often about people’s thoughts about cancer research. Some people are amazed at the advances we have made in the last 20 years, and this thought likely makes them feel good and hopeful. But with cancer research – the thought there should be a cure that works for all types of cancer really negates in our brain ALL of the work that has been done in so many cancers. Drugs that have cured many people who have failed the traditional treatment for lymphoma and leukemia. All of the patients cured from their breast cancers by advances in surgical techniques, hormonal therapies, directed agents like Herceptin, improvements in radiation. That thought makes people think that NOTHING is being accomplished if EVERYONE isn’t cured. I would love it if we found one thing that could cure everyone, easily, cheaply and comfortably. But this isn’t Star Trek with that little tricorder that could diagnose everything and a machine that did everything from vaccinations to knitting bones to major surgeries while the doctor stood there and looked satisfied.
Finally, I often have patients or friends that feels that they are not well supported by her family and friends – whether it is during cancer, times of challenge in their marriage or work life, or when a spouse is ill. Their family and friends should be there more. They should understand how hard this is, do the right things, say the right things. But, we can’t control other people, and always feeling like they should be doing something they are not is so disempowering to us. It takes all of our control and gives it to someone else. It leads to us acting angry, driving people further away. Or chronically complaining, which makes people want to avoid us. The more we try to force the people around us to behave the way we want them to, often the further they go in the opposite direction. I have heard this referred to as having a manual for people. What we think they should and shouldn’t do. Often, we have these and expect that the other person should just magically know what they are supposed to do, without us even telling them what we want or need. We think family should touch base with us after tests, but never really say this is what we want. We expect calls on our birthday, but never tell friends that is important. We think they should just know. Then when they don’t comply, we sulk or seethe and drive them away further. This is so close to home, so close to our heart, it is hard to see that them doing what we want isn’t reality (meaning, it isn’t currently happening), and, what’s more, we have no ability to control it. What we do have control over is what we think. First, I encourage everyone to seriously consider that you are your best support. You know what you want and need, and can take action to make things happen. Second, consider who IS meeting your needs as a survivor? Is it possible that not everyone needs to be an active participant in this? It would be nice to have a huge group supporting you, but if you have one or two who are amazing, instead of telling yourself you don’t get the support you want, consider telling yourself you have what you need, between yourself and your primary supports. Some useful thoughts might be “My husband and kids are amazing. I’d love it if my extended family and friends took more interest, but I don’t need it to survive. I do love seeing them when it works out for me and them.”
Is this making sense? Arguing with reality feels awful because we can never fix it. When you are in a moment, and feeling like crap, stop to question what you are telling yourself about the situation. As we have said, thoughts are just sentences in our heads. Any sentence that has should in it often will sound awesome but feel awful.
Ok, my friends, here is to a year of thinking thoughts that make us feel strong, happy and empowered! If you are interested, you can sign up for the Zoom call either on my facebook page or on my website. Hope to see you there!