Episode 11 Shownotes - Purposeful Creation of Joy

Hi, my Best Lifers, and welcome back! This is episode 11! Next week I’ll be 3 months into this! Hard to believe. I am really excited to watch things coming together. This whole endeavor is helping me grow in so many ways. It has been a long time since I really had to challenge myself mentally and learn something totally new. Now I have learned how to create a podcast, and I am almost finished creating a website on my own! It gives me such a great feeling of accomplishment. And, I am ready to let you guys in on something fun. I have had people asking if they are able to work with me as a coach. I am starting to take clients on a very limited basis, since I am still working full time in medicine, along with being a wife and mother. The way it works is that you email me at [email protected], and we will set up a mini-session. What that is is a free 20 minute call where I coach you on one specific issue you are having. I coach you, and if you find it helpful, if we are a good fit, I can tell you about my program. The call is free, and there is no obligation. It’s really nice – a chance to get to know each other, for me to hear more about what people are struggling with, and you to get some help on what is challenging for you.

So, I am going to get down to work here - I am working late tonight to get this done. I had a busy day at work today with more than the usual number of new consults, but all really nice people I was happy to have a chance to interact with and get to know, help them figure out their cancer treatment plan. then I came home and had a quick dinner with my husband and the boys. Right now, I’d love to kick back and relax with them, but we are headed out of town later this week to Maine. I have gone to the same lake in Maine since I was tiny – under a year old. I think I have only missed spending time there two of the summers in my life – one during medical school, and one at the end of my pregnancy with my twins – they were born in August, and I wasn’t allowed to travel the last month, and when they were born, it was too much to take 2 newborns and a toddler 10 hours in the car. My fourth, though, he was also born in August, and we went up when he was 10 days old! Not sure my OB dr ever knew about that, but she will now, as she has started listening to this podcast in the last week or so! But back to Maine – it is something that really rejuvenates me. We have no internet, no TV. Kids are off of their devices for the week, and I am as much as possible as well. I spend time hiking, swimming, paddleboarding, drinking coffee on the dock, playing cards and Settlers of Catan with my family. My parents live there for the summer, and always go the same week as my brother and his family. It is such a beautiful time to distress, rejuvenate, and really reconnect with all the people who mean the most to me. I find that it is so important to take this time, and consciously choose to make time and space in my life every year to do it.

This leads me right into what I want to talk about today. We have talked in the past about how awareness of our lives is so important, and how to begin to have awareness of our thoughts and what they create. We talked a lot about how having thoughts that find the worst or scariest parts of life tend to further and grow those things. Today, we are going to look at the flip side. I want to focus on looking at what you are creating, and really assessing your life to see that you are creating joy, happiness, connection and all of the other things that bring meaning to life. This starts with an assessment of where you are in life. If you are like me, you listen to podcasts while driving, so all of these assignments can be challenging to do. But, as with any class or workshop, if you don’t do the work, if you just passively listen, likely you will get much less out of it, and you will not learn to apply any of the knowledge and growth in your life. There is nothing wrong with just listening, if you are here for the entertainment and to get one or two pointers, but if you really want to make progress, you have to do a bit of the work with this. I have started posting a podcast recap on both the Facebook Page, and Instagram, both Best Life After Cancer MD, so if you listen, and later want to look back and see what the highlights were, that is quick and easy. I will always put what I wanted you to work on, and any links there. I have a bit of a backlog, so be patient, I am starting with posting the oldest ones first.

So, let’s start today with a quick assessment of where you are. We are going to start with 10 things you have right now in your life that make you happy. These are things that you have, already present, and actually want. For instance, I want children to share my life with, and I have them. I want and have a spouse that shares many of my passions. I have a crafty, artistic side, and I want and have a dear friend who will do crafty stuff with me, and even better, she helps find fun things for us to do too. For many people, the things you have and love are family, friends, meaningful relationships. Some people get happiness from a rewarding job. Many from their church family, or religious outreach. Maybe you have a place you like to go on the weekends, or maybe it is a coffee shop you like to walk to on Saturday. Find at least 10, but preferably 15 to 20 things that bring you joy that you already have. Some people will immediately jump to, “well, I’d have 15 if I had more money”. This is not something that requires money. I have had this conversation often in the past with another dear friend who is in a secretarial type job. She was a single mom, and, even though she never says so, I know finances are tight sometimes. But if I asked her for 15 things, she could come up with 115. She has a grandson, and she loves how his neck smells, and the feel of his chubby body when she holds him. She likes making a meal for a friend, finding a great deal with coupons, taking a walk on her lunch break. She loves taking her vacation days one at a time, and having time to rest, relax, and just do what she wants. We laugh that some days for her that means not leaving the house or answering the phone. For me on my days off, it means not being home at all! The thing is, for both of us, we are totally aware of our blessings and what brings us joy. I have found over and over, if people can’t see what they do have, they are NEVER able to create MORE joy, because they don’t recognize that they have any to start with! So, first, you have to help your brain to see the joy you do have. If this is easy, congratulations! This whole exercise to finding more joy is going to be fun and inspiring. If it is challenging, this work is the best thing you could possibly do to have a more fulfilling and enjoyable life. These things do not have to be big or grand. I actually advocate at least half being “little things”, like the perfect cup of coffee in your favorite spot on a sunny day. How grass smells when you walk on Saturday, and so on.

Once you have 15 things on your list, now comes the fun part. You are going to look at that list, and brainstorm on two things. First, you are going to find 3 ways that you can get more of what you love and have. Coffee on Saturday by that favorite window? What if you committed to getting up 15 minutes earlier and doing it every day. The smell of grass on a walk? What if you committed to walking for 5 minutes every day after work that wasn’t raining or a million degrees. This week, pick one of the things you already have, and commit to having more of it at least twice this upcoming week.

Next, you will brainstorm to find 3 NEW things that you could do that would bring you joy. What did you love to do as a kid? Some things that are common, blowing bubbles, walking in the rain, splashing in puddles, playing with a pet. What did you love to do when you were in college, first married, before you had kids, when the kids were young? What have you always wanted to try? Dancing, karaoke, hiking? All free or at least cheap. What clubs did you love in highschool? If it was the drama club, look at the local community college, or local theaters, and look at their schedule. What do you always pin when you see it on Facebook? Start a new list of the brainstorm ideas.

Now pick one and commit to add it to your schedule weekly for upcoming week. Ok – here is where you have to work on your brain. Remember, our brain wants to keep us safe and have everything be easy. Our brains want us to stay in the cave and not shake up the status quo. Many of these new things are not going to feel easy or safe to your brain. Acting class? No way. Splashing in puddles? The horror – my shoes will get wet! Karaoke? Who are you kidding? Tell your brain to chill for a bit. I can guarantee you only one thing. Your brain will not want to put it on the schedule and it definitely will not want to do it when the time comes. But you know from experience, when you do go for a hike, or out dancing, or when you get the craft stuff out and do something creative, afterwards you are happy and feeling fulfilled. But getting going is hard – your brain WILL fight you on this.

Reassess at the end of the week. Did you enjoy the new activity? Do you want to keep it? How often? Weekly? Monthly? If it is karaoke, maybe it is once a month. If it is walking to the coffee shop, maybe it is every week. Ok, so plan it. Put it on your schedule or calendar. In pen, not in pencil! Now things get even better. Repeat both of the first two steps. Add 5 things to your 15 that you have now that make you happy. Add 1 to the brainstorm list of what you want to do or try. Pick a one from what you have and figure out how you can have it more. Pick one new, and make a schedule to try it.

So, let me tell you where this has taken my life. 9 years ago, I was working full time and taking care of 4 kids and that was really all I did. I was miserable. Even though I had a great job and family, I felt like there was no fun in life most of the time. Vacations were few and far between, and not enough to tide me over. I started with doing a pilates class one night a week. That one thing brought me so much happiness. I realized I needed to see what else I could do to make me more happy on a daily basis. Eating and drinking made me feel better for a minute, but then worse, because I was fat and unhappy instead of just unhappy. I did a lot of work on figuring out what I wanted in life, and ultimately about 7 years ago, I went to working 4 days a week, plus weekend call once a month. I went through the process I described above every week for several years. I added dinner together as a family twice a week. We liked that so much, we now eat together every night except date night. I wanted more connection with my husband. We tried out date night. We now have a date night most weeks, either just us or us and another couple. Even during the pandemic, we kept this up with a little table set up and one of our kids as waiter, and all the others banished to the basement. I added ballroom dancing, and it was perfection for a prior grade school ballerina in a household of 5 men. Free cooking classes Williams Sonoma. Free book signings and author lectures at Barnes and Noble. I tried out glassblowing classes, ceramics, jewelry making. Orgami (also free – lots of you tube videos to teach you how!) Needlepoint. Crochet. I suck at that one. My 11 yo boy is better than I am. Photography. Did you know iphones can do amazing time lapse photos of water? And did you know there is a guy on facebook who teaches a free iphone photograpy class? Some things I tried, and didn’t love, and I let them go. Some I adored, like the ballroom dancing, and have become a staple in my weekly life. I realized I loved coffee dates with my girlfriends, and I set up a coffee or a lunch with the group monthly. One of the biggest joys with least investment of time or money is coffee in my cozy chair by the window. This brought so much joy on the weekends that I started getting up 15 minutes earlier so I could do it each and every day. I am at a place now where there is so much joy in my life. I can’t believe I was the same person who thought that life was all just work. I also was able to see that small changes had big increases in joy, like daily coffee, but also, a few big things in terms of time and money brought massive results – this was dinner weekly with my husband, often with friends, and my ballroom dancing. These may not be it for you, but when you find them, figure out a way to make it work.

The two most common things people tell me why they can’t make this work – the ones with no money and lots of time say they can’t afford to do any of these, and the people with money and no time say the opposite. I will tell you – first and foremost, ask your brain how to either find time if you are busy, or things that are cheap that you could enjoy, if money is tight. DO NOT allow it to tell you, “I can’t”, or” I don’t know”. Ask it, but if you had to guess, what would the answer be? And then just listen for an answer. But, just to let you know - I can come up with 5 free or cheap with no problem – many classes on facebook, pinterest, youtube to learn to do just about anything. Coffee or tea at home, as perfect as you can make the setting. Blowing bubbles. Taking a walk in the fall in the leaves. Looking at the stars on a blanket. Watching for lightning bugs. Taking a bubble bath. Walking near water – a river, stream, ocean, lake – there is something about water. Same for quick - 5 minutes for coffee in the morning. 20 minutes for dinner with teens, and I mean not even, because you have to eat anyway, right? Coffee with friends – 30 minutes once a month, out of the 43,829 minutes in a month. A date night weekly – 120 minutes, but so cheap in terms of time compared to couples therapy or divorce! For me, he dancing is the biggest time commitment, but still the class is only 40 minutes, out of the 10,080 minutes in a week.

Ok, friends. That is it for this week. Work on finding the joy you already have by listing it, and adding new things to it each week. This will make you grateful for what you already have. Add to it by brainstorming and picking something you have and figuring out how you can do it more. Double down on creating joy by finding new or forgotten things, and testing them out to see how much joy they bring into your life. Keep the ones that make you feel gloriously, richly alive and joyful, and if they don’t, keep looking! Talk with you next week!