Episode 25 Shownotes - What Can You Create with Self Coaching?

You are listening to Best Life After Cancer, Podcast 25.

Hi, My Best Lifers and Welcome Back! Hope you had a great Halloween weekend. We had a trunk or treat for my youngest son's grade, with all of the kids and adults masked, to try to keep everyone a bit safer, and it was fun to chat with the adults around the bonfire, while the kids ran around laughing. Seemed almost normal, despite the steadily rising Covid numbers across the country. We got to see my oldest row in a regatta against one other school, and Miles played his last soccer game in the pouring rain.

It is interesting, in my household, there are varied emotions about Fall. Fall is my husband and two of my sons’ favorite seasons. They love the cooler weather and Football. For me, I have long said that Fall was my least favorite season, and Fall with Covid seems like the worst of the worst. Or is it? How do these thoughts affect my experience in life? This week, I was reading an email from a fellow coach, Simone Grace Seol. She talks about the 50/50 of the human existence. Meaning — there is a certain allotment of different experiences we are all supposed to have throughout our lives. We are supposed to experience love, joy, wonder, tenderness, comfort, excitement. But this comes with the flip side — loss, grief, betrayal, anger, hopelessness, heartbreak, jealousy, failure, impatience — as human beings. And, if it isn’t delivered in one particular form... it would have found another way into your life at the time that it was supposed to, for us to learn and grow and have the human experience. She says it’s part of your homework on earth. And even if we avoid it sometimes, life has a way of handing us challenges. I don’t believe this is destiny, or that some people are meant to get a harder hand than others, I just think life happens. We can’t control it or completely understand why we get what we get.
I decided to do a podcast going into why everyone should be doing self coaching, and what it can create in your life. To be an example of what it can do, I challenged myself over the last month to change my view of Fall, from hating it, to loving it. And I asked myself to really evaluate my experience with Covid. Should I find ways to think it was ok? Or did I just need to lean in to the discomfort and not try to wish it away? I didn't think it was possible to change something like hating a season to loving it with self coaching, but thought it would be an interesting challenge. Even if I couldn't love Fall, maybe I could at least get to a point where I wasn't walking around saying how much I hated Fall. At the same time, I decided I wanted to appreciate 2020, and really evaluate my thoughts about Covid.

So this week, I wanted to talk to you about how we can change our experience with nothing but our thoughts. Our brains are amazing. They operate by trying to make sense of the world, categorizing and finding evidence to support our beliefs. So if we go around thinking we don't like something, our brains will show us all the reasons why we don't like it. But ask a better question and your brain will go to work trying to answer it, especially if you redirect it when it says the question is false. I started out with writing what I thought I hated about fall. Shorter, darker days, colder weather, more rain, bare trees, back to school blues as we get into the Fall rush trying to get 4 kids used to a new schedule. These all seem like facts, don't they? The days do get shorter, and colder. The slow pace of summer does give way to the hustle of the school year. But is this necessarily bad? I challenged myself to find something in each day that I did like about fall. The question I asked is what do I like about TODAY? Where can I find beauty today? What is GOOD about these changes? This for sure leads to a better experience in our life, and may lead to less resistance of where we actually are in life.

After I wrote all I hated, I went to work asking my brain better questions. I spent time each day looking for evidence to the opposite of all of my negative beliefs about fall. It was amazing. As the days went by, my brain opened to possibility. One day, I was looking and really saw someone's front porch display. It was so colorful and appealing, with flowers and pumpkins and multicolored gourds. I went and created a fall porch scene for myself, and every day, I see it and love how it looks. AND, my brain (unsolicited) has pointed out how much easier it is to keep flowers alive on our front porch, where it gets a ton of sun, in the fall as opposed to summer. Then we did some outdoor dining, and it was so comfortable, compared to the hot outdoor dining in July and August. It won't stay crisp and perfect, but that day it was. The next weekend was more chilly, but there was something magical about a street side cafe with heat lamps and a blanket on my lap. It started to get cooler most days. Normally, I would bemoan this. But this year, I asked what is awesome about the chill? I pulled out my black boots and warm sweaters, and was reminded how much I love that look. It is comfy and seems stylish. What else, I asked my brain? I normally mourn the end of the perfect veggies from the local organic farm. But what is perfect about fall? I love tea, and I found a fall blend with pumpkin and vanilla, and it seems like the perfect after dinner treat. What else? I was thinking about school, and this year how happy I was that my children are able to go, even if some of them are hybrid. Unlike previous falls, where I hated all the hustle and bustle, this year I was so happy for them to be able to have a bit of normal. It was easy to be grateful for their education, instead of complaining about the busy schedule. “What else?”, I asked again. I started to watch the changing light as we drove to school, how the sun was rising and mist hovered over the fields and glowed gold. Truly beautiful. One morning, unbidden, I had the thought, wow, this is SO beautiful, I love this time of the year. And I stopped in amazement. And asked my brain, wait, what did you just say? And it paused, and then started to laugh, and said, "I love this time of the year". I had no idea it would work. But this has been the best fall I have ever had, Covid or not. As I sit here by the fire tonight, listening to the rain, enjoying the warmth, as I type this podcast, I realize, it is so easy sometimnes. We need to look for joy, and search out beauty and comfort, not look for dreary and discomfort. But is is also so hard, because our brain has a confirmation bias. It will search for evidence for whatever we tell it is true. In the past, it saw cold, dark, rainy. Today, I have helped it see fall leaves, kids outside at recess, boots and sweaters, and pumpkin spice tea. We all have things we don't like in our lives, right? And so often, we think this is just the way it is. Not changeable. We can't think about it any other way. But this just isn't true. So look at your life. At what you are telling yourself you hate, and can't change. Is it your job? Your marriage? Your commute? Try this week just asking your brain what is great about it. When it says nothing, tell it, well, that isn't true, there is always at least one thing to like, so find it. And let it get to work.

Once I conquered my dislike of fall, I thought why not 2020 in general? I didn't think this was possible to find anything to like with Covid. We missed out on a special vacation this summer. We didn't get to see Caroline, a young woman has become a daughter in our lives; after she had her first baby at the start of the pandemic. She lives in Germany, and it is closed to Americans. We got deported from Argentina in the middle of spring break when the country closed its borders to Americans. Every family has these stories. Weddings, graduations, family reunions put on hold. And if you let your brain, it will tell you that is all the pandemic has brought. So, keep asking. I thought it was a circumstance that I just had to hate and hold out until it was gone. But, I don't want to put my enjoyment of life on hold for that long, especially since there is no clear end in site. So I set my brain to the same thing. First, I wrote out all I hated about Covid. All the things we missed, all the fears, and so on. Once that was out of my head, I asked “What has been great during Covid? What couldn't be better? What will I actually MISS when this is over?” Before I tell you my thoughts, pause this here for a moment. Ask your brain this question. Find at least 3 things you will miss. If your brain says not possible, tell it to try harder.

You may be thinking that I got paid for 6 months and didn't work (which even that has downsides people tell me), and that is what was good. Not true. I worked. In medicine. It was scarier at times than my job has ever been in the past. I was so afraid to touch anything the public touched, and if someone had a fever or coughed even once, I thought I was screwed initially. I saw patients, though, because cancer doesn't stop for a pandemic. I realized I felt good about supporting them through this. I recognized that they needed me, and appreciated me, more than ever before. So many said "thank you for being here, I know it's rough" and I said "right back at ya". That was the first thing my brain came up with. People are appreciating doctors and nurses more now. What else? I did get to work from home one day a week. I had never had the option to work from home before, and I admit, I loved it. It was freeing. Working in leggings and slippers. Being home to have lunch with my kids once a week when they were all doing distance learning. That day at home, that I will definitely miss if it ends when the virus does. What else? Having time to start this podcast, since my days off weren't filled with sports or lunch with friends or all of the other things that filled every minute before. But what else? My brain wanted to tell me that was all. But I kept asking it.

A few days later, my brain came up with dinners with my husband. Finding creative ways to have date night with him, picking up a nice meal and paying one of our kids to be our waiter. Setting up a little table, with our good china and crystal. Drinking a really good bottle of wine, and sitting chatting for as long as we wanted to linger, while our waiter cleaned up and washed dishes in the background. Spending time with just him, not always having dinner with another couple, and REALLY talking, about our lives and our dreams. It was really some of the best quality time we have spent together in years. Surely that is it, though, right?

Then my brain remembered the camping weekend we went on in May. The first weekend campgrounds were open in Pennsylvania. It poured. We were in a tent. But we got to see my brother and his kids, sit around the fire, and be together, outdoors and in relative safety. It was the sweetest camping trip ever, even though it was damp and muddy and all the things that suck in a tent in the pouring rain. Even though Miles barfed in the middle of the night. (all you moms, let me pause here to tell you, he got out of the tent before he barfed, and I was so grateful to him for that, for sure). Before Covid, camping was something I tolerated because the family wanted to, not because I was excited. But this, this made me LOVE camping. (again, I asked my brain, really? We love tent camping in the rain now?) and my brain said, no, maybe not always, but the joy of seeing my nieces after 5 months without seeing them was beyond precious. After those 3 examples, my brain was on a roll. Switching to scrubs at work because they can be washed in hot water, but not ever having to think about what I will wear in the morning. Hanging out with our kids, playing games, making meals. When do you have 6 months with your teenage boys when they hang out with you more than anyone else and they are HAPPY to see you when you get home from work? This was precious - having time to talk with them about how to face adversity with grace and strength. Walking our dogs, and seeing other people's faces as they walked their dogs. Seeing them smile. I had no idea how much I love the smiles of strangers. I know now. Decorating for Halloween. Not because we are having our usual costume party, but just because we wanted to mark the special times of the year in some ways that felt familiar. It was more fun than usual, with my son helping decorate the house because we both had time. Normally, I do it at the last minute, thrown up in a rush for people to come over, often after all the kids went to bed. The decorations normally would be up for a few days or a week. This year, we did it together, weeks early, and talked about how I made the disgusting bottles that look like a mad scientist has been preserving body parts and creatures.

Then I started asking other people what they had found that they loved. Some it took a bit to find something they liked. But ultimately, many said the slower pace of life, the increased focus on family, that they spent so much more time outside. Yes to all of those things. Retiring to take care of their grandchildren as they home school, and telling me it was one of the greatest joys of their life. Some young people choosing their pod to be family over the friends they would get drunk with in the past.

So our brains can find good in any spot if we push them. But I think it is also important to circle back to that the human experience also in truth is 50/50. We can choose to focus on the good, but we also need to understand and accept that life is NEVER all good, or all bad. This is what I came to understand as I was thinking about covid. We are raised that life should be a fairy tale. Happy ever after. We shouldn't have pandemics, social unrest, wildfires. But that isn't reality. Even Walt Disney knows this - I mean, every heroine has lost at least one parent, right? Sometimes we need to also work on just leaning in. Allowing it to suck without having to eat or drink or shop to make it better. Understanding that it might not be how we want it for a bit, but we can just let it be what it is. The pandemic isn't my favorite time, even if I found things to like about it and might even miss afterwards. I can't get to "I love it". But truth be told, what I realized about Covid is that even though I can find things that were good, I don’t want to love it. I want to be sad that this is where we are, and lean into that. Resisting it only makes it feel worse. Arguing with reality, it should be different, it is Trump's fault, no it's Fauci's , no it's China's. None of this makes it better. Shutting down and deciding not living at all until it is over isn't leaning in. We can't change it. It just is. We can lean into the discomfort. And we can look for things to try to stay on the bright side.

I think the thing that brought this home for me was watching a bunch of preschoolers. Seeing that 3 year olds can wear a mask all day with no complaints, watching how resilient they are. They want to wear a mask because they are taught it is safer for their friends and their teachers, and at 3, they love others as much as themselves. And guess what? They still are having a blast, even in a mask. How would all of this be different for all of us if we all lived that way? Learning to wear a mask because you love others and want to keep them safe. Not waiting to have fun, but having fun REGARDLESS of the changes in our current life. Teaching that to our children. Looking at all of the people who are wearing masks, and being responsible, instead of just focusing on the small number that aren’t. Looking for evidence that we, as humans, are actually more often good, kind and responsible. Yes, and yes, again. To all of it. To the discomfort that reminds us that we are human. To understanding that life is 50/50. That we can't fully appreciate the really great things as well without some pretty awful things along the way. That we have a choice in how we choose to interpret things, and that we have a choice to dislike things and let them be present without reacting to them, or letting them make us into a grouch that compounds the problem.

So, work on your brain. Write down what you think. Ask better questions and look for a new way to think about things. Challenge your brain when it tells you everything is awful. And if it really IS all awful, lean in. Don’t push it down with food and alcohol. Don’t distract yourself with Netflix. Know that it is a NORMAL part of life, and the 50/50 we all experience. Look for what you can learn, because the universe has a teaching moment here. Hard to know if we will keep these things we learned once the pandemic is past, but it is good to know that we can find things we love in our least favorite season AND in a pandemic.